shebreathes's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- wordlessness remembered i used to be so wise. i still am. but i used to be so wise, too, and i saw things through the cracks in reality. i saw the light coming through. and i guess i've always had this theory and i guess it's not really a theory. because i believe it to be truth. i see the insides. the core. i can use any word to desrcibe it, it doesn't matter. this truth is wordless. and i see it. that's the thing. and this is just an example. it could be anything. he's got his pretty clothes and his intentional words and the looks to kill for, right? i mean he's gorgeous and smart and he's a real catch, right? but those are layers that could come or go. and i can feel fond of them or not. either way, i love the core. the core. the centre that does not shift. the place where he is the same. his soul. fuck all the other bullshit cuz you know that's the stuff that makes him run so far away and that's the stuff that people see but it's not the core. no. and i know the core. so anyway, life is sprawing out ahead of me. the details are causing problems, as usual. i'm uncertain, confused, apprehensive and mostly trying not to think about it until the time comes. and then. i'm trying to take care of myself. to do what's healthy. but it's hard when your options are limited and either way you know you're kinda fucked. i've gotta make these choices on my own though cuz within this empowerment is responsibility. i've gotta choose for myself. summer starts edging into fall and i've already got my eye on winter. i'm thinking about the awful mind numbing cold. telling myself it won't be bad. telling myself there's time yet. i need some sturdy boots so i can walk steady on the hard ground. i need to find the perfect pair because they are ultimately a metaphor. as well as simply being practical footwear. i'm a sucker for poetry, insightfulness, eyes and heart stopping pause. i'm a sucker for an unusual brand of romance. for people who defy definitions and live in unusual ways. it's gonna be okay. and that's a stupid thing to say, if mildly reassuring. cuz okay has nothing to do with it. it's gonna be life. it's gonna feel good and it's gonna be hard. and nothing will ever be flawless but it sure can be perfect sometimes. and it's gonna hurt but i'll survive it. i'll just live this life until i die. i think i've been longing for physical perfection and demanding flawlessness of myself simply because i've been confused and mixed up. see, all i want in this world is intimacey, closeness, clicking. and i guess somewhere along the line i figured, they'll like me better if i'm pretty. and of course in this fucked up society pretty means anorexic. so i worked out the flawed equation that hating my body equals starving myself equals looking pretty equals being loved. how terribly misinformed is that! and so now i think, clicking is clicking is clicking. it's seeing through the layers and finding the core. touching the core. and you sure don't need an eating disorder to do that. you sure don't need to be air brushed and flawless and skin and bones. you just have to have an open heart and a keen eye. and i have those, my friends, i have those. freedom comes with letting go. watch me let go. 5:34 pm - September 04, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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