shebreathes's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- making an attempt at opening i don't know when, but i closed my heart. i think it was a gradual process. maybe i've been distant from most people since i was fifteen, and then i tried to start new relationships only to be lied to and hurt. and i just started cutting everyone off, without knowing it. i've been noticing lately that i feel really out of it. like i'm not really there. i've been noticing how when i hug people, i don't feel it. how when i talk to people, half of me is somewhere else. it's like i'm constantly dissociating. i've been noticing how i leave during sex, when i have sex, which is rarely. i've been noticing that the two romantic relationships i started this year totally fell a part. and so have the friendships i've tried to start. i've been distant, far away from everything, not really there. i haven't been present in my life. i think this was a gradual shift, starting at bad and getting worse and worse. now i'm alone. really alone even though there are people in my life. i don't let anyone close. i don't let anyone touch me. maybe this seems obvious but honestly, i just realised this. i have cut myself off. and that is the problem. i was wondering about the sex thing and why sex has been so hard for me. but i don't think it's sex that's the problem. it's intimacy and it's communication. i've even distanced myself from mike. i've been edging on the corners of this realization. and then i got a letter in the mail from sarah today and it hit home. i always say i have no friends but that's only because i don't let people be my friends and i don't let people be my friends because it does not feel safe. i don't trust people. at all. i don't think i'm a likeable person and i don't think people like me. i think people think i'm fucked up, annoying, self-absorbed, arrogant, pathetic, weak, obnoxious, petty, dishonest, manipulative and fake. i think people dislike me and then why should i let them get close? it doesn't feel safe. and i've been hurt so many times. too many times. and i guess i've just been building this wall higher and higher because people keep hurting me. because people keep lying to me and destroying my trust. because the people who i love more than anything, can look me in the eye and lie. if my heart is closed, no one can hurt me. if i'm not here, than this isn't happening to me. it's safe. horribly, horribly safe. and it is so fucking lonely. devastatingly lonely. and i know i have to go out on a limb and get close to people. i know. and i have been trying. i really have. but i keep thinking these people don't really like me. or that i'll say something stupid or honest but fucked up and i'll scare people off. i'm terrified to just be myself because i am a very scarred person. and i just want people to like me. this has to change. the isolation is killing me. i'm just so alone. and i put up the front of being indifferent and unaffected because that is so safe. and then people think i don't care. but i do fucking care. i care so much. i don't put any effort into relationships and they die. because it's safer to just let them die. it's safer than actually going there. than actually letting another human being touch me. how can i change this? there's only one way and that is to start taking risks. to start trying to be honest. to start trying to reach out and connect. to start letting people know that i care about them. but then i risk rejection, and being lied to, and being hurt, hurt, hurt, hurt. i'm so fragile. so fucking fragile. it will be so hard for me to deal with more hurt. but i can't live like this. i can be a zombie, a distant cold robot, like i have been for the longest time. i can be safe and unaffected and lifeless and alone. or i can be real. human, flawed, and real. risking so much hurt in the hopes of some kind of intimacy, closeness, friendship, connection. oh my god, this is so unsafe. 6:08 am - July 14, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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