shebreathes's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- sometimes the things that need to happen do i've been thinking. like, what if i did let go? would that mean i could really be free? or would i be stuck lying to myself? am i lying to myself right now? i'm pissed off among other things. and also, sometimes i like to be wrong. how about that? it only means that i have more to learn. i like to stretch my brain. i like to make mistakes. writer's block is just that, a block. i've been stuck with my words because i've been stuck. and unsticking myself, well, that's an interesting process. the things that need to happen sometimes do. like reading things that challenge me. like facing the ways in which my beliefs are influenced by my positions of power and how i conveniantly believe things that keep me in these positions of power. sometimes it's hard to take a good hard look at yourself. but it's only then that change can happen. change is happening. i like to know when i'm fucking up. and since moving to toronto, my feminism has shifted so much. things aren't as simple as i originally thought. i'm less dogmatic. my mind is opening up like a flower or a cunt. i am not perfect. i'm human and i'm trying. sometimes the things that need to happen do. like a conversation about flirting that opened up more doors than i ever thought it could. like learning to listen to my gut again cuz somewhere along the line i stopped. somewhere along the line i stopped trusting myself. i started to have faith in everyone and to lose faith in myself. fuck that. and it's surprising to see what i know already. what i know without words in that place where i feel things. like, i'm tired and frustrated. like i've been trying so hard to be compliant but it's hard to be compliant when you're a bitch. like, somewhere along the line i realised that the angry girl doesn't get the guy so i shut up and wore long sleeved shirts to cover my hairy armpits. fuck this. sometimes the things that need to happen do. and the goddess, she smiles at me. and words fall away only to come back to me. the questions can be more important than the answers. i've been searching for the answer to a question that i won't even ask myself. like, what would i be without him? or, why can't i have sex? or, why do i try so hard to be right all the time? i'm trying to protect myself. sometimes, i just don't know and that's a good thing. and i feel okay again. like maybe everything is fucked up but there's hope again. i've been thinking about these things. 11:32 pm - July 24, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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