shebreathes's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- shards i want to buy razors and open myself up like i used to do because. because i'm going a little insane here. rubbing up against hope until my skin is raw. and being pulled, always pulled, back into my same old melancholy. and i would slit my wrists and die except that i don't want to die and instead i want to be transformed. i lie here and clutch the pain hard. i try to make it stop. and words leave my lips before i think twice to stop them. i call myself toxic. i wonder if i believe it. i think i do. if no one is standing there, on the other side of that water, hand in mid air, calling to me, than who will define me? who will remember exactly what my voice sounds like? who will make me feel crazier than i already do? i'm searching for escapism. i'm eating less. i'm hoping more and feeling almost drowned in this useless hope. i'm day dreaming and getting up and walking across the room to scratch at my skin desperately with scissors. but no luck. i am closed. when no one's there to care will i still love the stars? i know that the answer to that question is no. no, i will not love the stars with you gone. no, i will not love the stars. i am terrified of my reflection in the mirror. i am terrified of touching my body because it wreaks of him. i am tired. i am paranoid. i am speeding through my thoughts at the speed of light only to slow down suddenly watching the words puddle at my feet. like blood could. blood is warm and salty and not half as beautiful as i used to think it was. i am certain that my blood is red and not purple. i am not certain that you do not love me but i am certain that you are a fucking liar. this room is dirtied with the broken promise that things will get better. things did not get better. things are not better. where are you when i'm chasing your ghost all across the city? are you buying groceries? hanging out with people who all agree that you're gorgeous? does my name ever cross your mind? i want to go into the bathtub because i used to find solace there. now all i find is dirt and dead insects. i will never be clean. 3:58 am - August 22, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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