shebreathes's Diaryland Diary

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i know that you are leaving

i sit beside you
feeling through the space
and through the layers
of fabric that cover
our naked bodies
the way your skin is
lightly coated in sweat
because the summer
is just heating up
there is electricity with
every breath
i close my eyes and
inhale your scent
savouring it
trying to hold on to it
because i know
that you are leaving

i feel nauseous, ill
i feel nervous and my voice
cracks with a passion
that i cannot contain
see, the way i love you
makes me real
it makes me human, weak
and flawed
i try to be stoic like you are
i try to play it cool
play it down
play it safe
but not even you
can do a very good job
of hiding this anymore
like the way you touch me
casually these days is tell tale
even though you'd never tell
even though you always leave

it would be easy to say
as i have before
that i hate you or that
this is all your fault
this torture, this game of
you want it? you want it?
you can't have it
you give me just enough
to make me come back for more
you leave me little promises
that even when broken
give me something to hope for
and then you leave
you laugh it off, you don't
say anything
you do not tell me that
you are going and then
you are gone

i sit here watching your chest
rise and fall with each breath
letting my heart let go of
the pain that comes with knowing
that this is only temporary
i ride the tide of conversation
sensing as i always have
that you feel like i do
like there's something there
inside of you
pulsating, wordless, weak
human, and flawed
i watch you breathing
and it gives me hope

but you go
like you always have
you leave me with nothing
but a memory of
promises already broken
and since we hide behind
this guise of being nothing
more than friends
you can hide behind the lie
that you don't owe me anything
you owe me more than this
i don't pretend to know why
you won't have me even though
you want me but
i understand how convenient
it must be to know i'm waiting
to know that if you ever
change your mind...

and probably
you'll come back to me
on the wings of mildly convincing
explanations and apologies
that are often less than sincere
you'll open me up with your poetry
and the subtle implications
that this time there'll be more
i'll try to be strong
to resist the way you tempt me
the way you draw me back in
but all it will take is a sentence
a smile, the sound of your voice
all it will take is your presence
and i'm weakened again

i sit beside you
feeling the moment burning
through us like a fire
like a metaphor
like this love which is not love
which is not spoken of
i want to lean over
rest my head on your shoulder
and say: let me have this moment
because i know
that you are leaving
i can't lighten up
i can't take it easy
not when i love you like
i love you and you never
even say goodbye
how can i ever know
if it’s really over this time?

12:14 am - July 26, 2004

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