shebreathes's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- the difference between math and music tonight was fucking awesome. i went out, all depressed, nothing to do. went to chapters, flipped through a music magazine. you know, alone, bored, unhappy. i went to starbucks and got a chai soy latte and then thought about how evil that is. i went to grange park with said latte and sat on a picnic table just feeling like shit about everything. after awhile i started thinking about music, singing the song i wrote recently under my breath. and i started to feel a bit better. then this young guy, long curly hair, kinda skinny, walks past me and goes to sit by himself. i sort of watch him, longing to talk to someone and not be alone. he comes up and asks the time. i tell him my watch is five minutes off and i give him the time it says. "so around 10 then" he says and goes back to where he was sitting. i just kinda sit there, chewing my pen, thinking up some new lyrics. and then he comes back and asks if i want to smoke a joint with him. it's hash, he says. and i say yeah. now, i don't want a lecture about how dangerous it is to smoke up with a random guy you met in a park at 10 o'clock at night. i know. i'm well aware. i knew the risk and i took it. so anyway, his name is jordan. he is 19. we smoke it. i cough and sputter. i feel pretty high after a few puffs. i babble a lot, though not nervously at all because i feel totally relaxed. and he talks a bit too and it's just nice. anyway, we ended up spening until 1:30 together. we walked all around the city. he was obviously coming on to me. at first it was really subtle but i just totally ignored it so he started being more obvious until eventually he told me how sexy he thought i was (very) and that he wanted to kiss me. and i was just trying to figure out how i felt and everything. i didn't say anything one way or the other too far because i wasn't sure. i tell him i'm not sure and i'm confused. he doesn't pressure me or anything. it's just out there that that's how he feels. and i'm thinking: i could end this any time but i don't want to. i'm choosing this and i like this and i can stop it if i start to not like it. we end up going to a bar. i get a cooler and he gets a beer. and we just talk. it was a great conversation and i figured out a lot. i feel like the goddess sent me this boy to help me figure out some of the feelings that have been going through my head lately. we talked about desire and attractions. he told me about how he loved that my body is round and curvy, that he loved the hair under my arms. we talked about how bodies are like art and they are each unique and beautiful. about how it's good to look at how bodies are. what is there. without trying to hold them up to some standard that wasn't even created by us. i'm not doing my epiphany any justice here. suffice to say that i had a clicking moment where pieces of a puzzle that i've been gathering lately came together. click. i didn't kiss him. i decided not to. but i just might next time. next time? yes, he gave me his number and i took it gladly. he said i can call him in a week or two months or whatever. and let me just say what a great night this was. and let me just say i am happy. and let me just say i had a good time. and i figured out a lot, that i couldn't even begin to explain. 2:30 am - August 31, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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