shebreathes's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- grief my goat, button, died and i am so depressed about this. it hurts so much and i hate it and i wish he hadn't died. it feels so wrong. so pointless. he was climbing up to this house thing that he likes to go in and he fell and died. he was five. we've had him for five years. and he was a beautiful and adorable goat. his life long friend gloria, our other goat, is alone now. and i don't know how she's going to take it. i hope she's going to be okay. but i know it is going to be so hard for her. and i'm worried about my sister too because button was her goat. this is so fucking terrible and i just wish i could make it not true. when i found out, earlier today, i was just so fucking gone. at first i couldn't believe it. and then i blamed myself because, a few weeks ago my sister was telling me how scared she was that one of the goats would die. and i told her not to worry and that they were young and would live a long time yet. i didn't knock wood like i usually do when i say stuff like that, so i felt like i jinxed the situation. i know that probably sounds stupid but that's how i felt because i'm really superstitious like that. and i was also thinking, what if i had been there, what could i have done. i mean, the whole things seems so wrong because it was just an accident. it was just this one little thing that happened and now he's dead. and that made it seem so preventable. but then the more i thought about it, it made it seem unpreventable. like, these things just happen. sometimes goats just fall and they die and it just happens. this made it feel like there was nothing i could have done. which made me feel a little bit better. then i was just thinking about button and how cute he was. he was short and fat and so so cute. i thought about him walking around and bunting gloria. i'm going to miss him so much. and then i just thought about him now, lifeless, and in the freezer. it's so fucking strange. i thought about buying razors to cut because i couldn't stand it. i was just crying and crying and i just couldn't stand the pain. mike said he'd drive down to toronto to come see me which was so sweet of him. so i decided not to cut and to just wait for mike to get here. i fell asleep for awhile. i felt really suicidal today because i just couldn't understand why life has to be like this. why do things like this just happen for no reason? why was he just going about his day like usual and now he's dead? how can that be. but then i thought about dying and i realised: if button dying is hurting me this much, then my death would hurt the ones i love so much too. and i just could not do this to them. no matter how bad things get in my life, i don't think i could ever hurt the ones i love this much. i hate grief. it's so awful because there's nothing you can do. i can't bring him back and i can't make the pain go away. i just have to wait until it starts to hurt less. and i was just thinking, why? why? what is the point in all of this, in all of this pointless pain? mike and i went for a drive and i thought long and hard about it. about life and pain. why do we live for such a short time and then die? why is there so much pain in life? i thought about it and then i started to feel like i understood. i started to think about how life is both painful and beautiful. about how death gives life meaning. about how there is so much good and we just have to live through the bad. i started to think about the five years that button had and how much fun he had during them. i started to think about how lucky i am to have known him and played with him. and about how life hurts. losing someone you love hurts. and all of this comes with the glorious mysterious beautiful package that is living. and nothing i can do can make this hurt less, but knowing these things makes everything seem less pointless. in the entire history of time, the existence of human beings, and goats for that matter, is just a heartbeat. my life time, button's life time, is just a heartbeat. all of this is so short, and yet long enough to be filled with so so so much. and just because it doesn't last forever, doesn't mean it wasn't worth it. "everybody knows, we only live a day, but it's brilliant anyway" - elliot smith. while i was in a really bad state, depressed and suicidal and waiting for mike to get here, i wrote ryland an email. i told him about button's death and how depressed i was and how it would make me smile to hear from him. i told him that i'd been there for him and i hoped that he'd be here for me. if he doesn't reply to that, than fuck him. if he doesn't reply to that than he's not worth my time. because that is just cruel. and not a single excuse he could come up with would excuse that. i know that he loves me. i can feel it and i know that it is true. so ultimately, if he's not willing to let himself feel that and go there, than it's his loss. it's his loss. now, i'm just trying to live with this ache in me. it hurts so much. button's funeral won't be for a few days because my parents and sister are still in southampton. i'm going to go out this weekend, get drunk and try to have a good time. i'm going to try not to let this grief consume me. i'm going to try to remember that pain is proof of life and that button lived and i was lucky to know him. when the funeral happens, i will let myself feel that pain and grief in it's entirety and then i will try to heal. i'm going to miss him so much. my house in bradford is going to seem so strange and so empty without him there. i wonder if we should get another goat to be a friend of gloria's. i wonder how my family is going to recover. i'm going to miss you, button. i love you. here's a picture. button is the light coloured one. 3:10 am - August 27, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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