shebreathes's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- exhale maybe it's because i got strong from my pain. maybe it's because he wants a straight face to wear. i wish that someone else had been there through all of it, so that they could testify to the truth. because his lies are so sickeningly obvious. but it was just him and me. me and him. so no one else was there to tell the story. and you can believe his lies if you're as gullible as i used to be. if you can't see that he's manipulative in ways i never was and abusive in ways i never could be. and so enough about caelan. i'm going to breathe his poison out of me. almost a year of him keeping me where he wanted me is enough. enough of this. i need to get free. last night i had a dream that is just so sad. i had a dream that ryland and i were holding hands. i had a dream that we were lovers and i asked him to stay with me. to just hold me for a little while. but get this: he was an alien and he had to leave. he said i was beautiful like so many things are beautiful in this world. i have an interview with teens educating and confronting homophobia this week, probably on thursday. i hope i get it. i think i probably will. i feel like i'm back where i was this time last year, give or take a few things. i feel like i'm trapped inside this slow summer and i'm waiting for the fall but i'm terrified of the winter. i'm looking forward to going back to school and to making new friends. maybe this time i'll meet someone who isn't completely fake. maybe this time i'll find what i came to toronto looking for. i'm scared about august turning into september and not hearing from ryland. because i remember where i was last year at that time. and i remember what he did. what i could not stop him from doing. and i just want to hear from him. i just want to be reassured that this time he's okay. it has occurred to me that there is a context for everything. it has occurred to me that a lot of people do see the strength and beauty inside of me. it has occurred to me that i've been through so much worse than this. but still. still it hurts. the thing about beng real is, it hurts. the thing about being real is, it isn't so simple. the thing about being real is, it's the really real. and maybe i've had that all along. 11:32 am - August 12, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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