shebreathes's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- refreshing my memory sometimes i realise something so important and then time passes and i forget. i revert back to my old ways. and then one night when i should be sleeping, i reread old diary entries i wrote last fall. and it clicks. i remember. REBELLION AND SUBMISSION ARE MY CONTRADICTIONS. and besides that, here's what happened (or a slightly censored version of it): i moved to toronto to live on my own for the very first time when i was sixteen, less than a year ago. hope and depression battled in my heart and i struggled upward. i fought fucking hard to live and survive on my own in a new city. i went to school after not going to school for a year. i bought my groceries, did my chores, dealt with my room mate, did my homework, tried to make friends and all the while i fought the clinical depression that continued to rear it's ugly head. then an unfortunate series of events occurred: a boy i love and adore attempted suicide, my teacher at school was incredibly inappropriate with the students leaving me feeling completely triggered, my room mate liked to keep the light on all night and suggest that i shave my armpits, my period left town and left me wondering if i were pregnant, things with my boyfriend took a turn for the worse ... and i just couldn't handle it all. i couldn't handle it. i made it out of that school with three credits and a lot of fucking depression. i was defeated. really defeated. and then i just reverted to my old ways. i stopped fighting so hard and gave into the isolation, depression and boredom. now here i am, almost a year later. i guess what i need to do is give it another go. i need to get my ass back out there. 5:16 am - July 21, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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